You Will Pry The Coffee Cup Out of my Cold Dead Fingers
I opened the Star Phoenix this morning and in between the articles covering the Beijing Olympics, the tragic news of the death of yet another Saskatchewan soldier, and the apprehension of yet another high-risk pervert, was an article showing that coffee harms the performance of firefighters. Here is a link to a similar article in the Vancouver Sun, since I can’t find the SP article to link to.
Do you have any idea what this means? They are coming for our coffee pots. It’s bad enough that you can’t light up a cigarette on an outdoor patio in Saskatoon (HA good luck enforcing that law) pretty soon they will be coming for our coffee pots.
Did you know that every single school staff room has a coffee machine? If they find a way to take coffee away from the fire fighters, teachers will be next. I can see it now. Articles in the newspaper questioning the performance of teachers under the influence of caffeine. Serious screeds written by important sounding people with letters after their names questioning the wisdom of caffeine impaired educators. Somebody will say, “Dear God, What about the children?”
Many teachers will approve of the coffee ban. Many will say “It’s about time!” Pretty soon they will tell stories of how it used to be when teachers could drink coffee. Remember that time that Mr. Teacherson was zipping around the classroom all hopped up on caffeine, will be whispered, as all the teachers proudly discuss which brand of bottled water is the best to carry around in their trendy save-the-planet water bottle, which certainly does not contain bisphenol A. Of course, the water bottle will be clear to show that we are definitely not sneaking a caffeinated beverage into a dark colored bottle.
But then, as I am preparing for class, a friendly colleague, who knows about my love of the bean, will take me aside and inform me that there is a special, top-secret meeting, at Ms. K’s car at 8:00 am before class starts. I will give her a questioning look, but she will implore me to keep the meeting a secret.
I wonder if I should go to the meeting. What could it possibly be about? Why me? But curiosity will get the better of me and I will be right there like a dirty shirt. I get to Ms. K’s car, and do you know what I will find?
Steaming cups of delicious coffee! Like junkies seeking their caffeine fix, we will all be crowded around her, waiting our turn. We will guiltily sip the forbidden, caffeinated fruit and hope that the principal doesn’t stop by. Maybe she will be there too, waiting for her fix. That’s how we will keep out of trouble, we will give the principal her bean for free.
That’s how the coffee black market will be born!
Sound crazy and far-fetched? Well, if they could do it to marijuana, they can do it to coffee! Just you wait, people.
