The things that go through my head

Nothing pains me more than sitting there in front of the teevee, watching some show deemed appropriate for children, and hearing the phrase casually uttered “She’s just playing hard to get!” by some over-eager pimply-faced jerk. Why just the other day I was watching “The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show” and Bugs was pursuing some uninterested and unfortunate female. The female is always a hussied up version of the male. When Bugs wants to fool old Elmer Fudd, all he has to do is don the female drag that we girls all know and love-mascara, eye shadow, creams, powders, high heels, dresses, big hair- that universally distinguishes the genders. The biggest problem with playing hard to get is the fact that she isn’t playing. She just wants you to leave her alone and move on with your life.

Every woman or girl inhabiting Planet Earth in the presence of males has been subjected to the torment of being pursued by some jerk who just won’t take no for an answer. In my own life I have been lucky enough to have been accused of playing hard to get, when I just wanted HIM to leave me alone and get on with his life. Honestly, does anybody genuinely think it’s romantic when a guy follows you around, singing songs under your window, banging on your door, begging for your affection and drunkenly slurring words of love on the phone at 4:00 am? No? I didn’t think so.

But it seems to me that every romantic comedy under the sun uses this over-used trope. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn’t care and lets him know that. Boy pursues girl anyway making a complete ass out of himself. Girl finally sees the light and reciprocates affection. They get married and live happily ever after.   If I happen to be watching it, I die a little inside and bang my head against the wall in an attempt to dislodge the brainwashing toxins. How about this: Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn’t care and lets him know that. Boy pursues girl anyway making a complete ass of himself. Girl finally sees the light and kicks him in the balls. Boy takes the hint and moves on with his life. Or even better, boy takes the hint before girl feels she has no recourse but to inflict violence on the hapless male.

Are you kidding me?  This is ridiculous.  Refusing to take no for an answer makes you a rapist.  It’s not funny and it’s not cool and I don’t ever want to see it again.  So that’s why I quit watching television.  It’s way too gross and depressing.

Even though my man Barry Obamanated the global gag rule, and thus the beautiful phrase “Obamanate” was born, Barry continues to dis my favorite plant. Mr. President promised that the federal raids of medical marijuana clubs would stop under his watch. But since the inauguration, two clubs have been raided in California. That really sucks.

But on a much brighter note, I am in the middle of organizing the Worldwide Marijuana March and I am happy to say that there is a lot of interest in this annual event. It’s much better than Christmas.

Somebody is trying to make “saddlebacking” happen. Personally, I never want to think about any sort of Christianity or religious dogma while engaging in a sex act, but whatever.

This must be obvious to the idiots at CNN that came up with this article “Should your wife have guy-friends?” It never crossed their minds that perhaps husbands have female friends. But it is a huge and interesting question! Aren’t all friendships between opposite sex people fraught with sexual tension? Oh sure, as long as you assume that everybody in the world is heterosexual and unable to think with any other body part besides their genitals. I have managed, over the years, to accumulate many friendships with men and sexual tension has not developed. I must be some kind of deviant. My life partner, who is definitely not my husband or my property, doesn’t have a problem with this. It’s a good thing we didn’t get married.

But why didn’t the headline read “Should your husband have girl-friends?” I suppose no woman anywhere would or could have a problem with their husbands’ friends because we fragile girl-creatures need different rules to get by. Anyway, I just absolutely loved the advice at the end of the article. They give those great bullet points at the end to summarize the interesting bits with advice on navigating the bumpy world of platonic opposite sex friendships. It reminds me of Jerry Springer. After he entertained the crowd by mediating between warring couples throwing chairs at each other, he would give his FINAL THOUGHT and all would be right in the world. Well, CNN does the same thing. Just check out these awesome pointers:

• Don’t make ultimatums. “Trying to control another person’s behavior never works,” Jacobson says. “Try to understand the friendship, and what it’s all about.”

• Be honest. “Never lie about the time you spend with your friend,” Sabatini says. “If you don’t feel comfortable telling your husband you’re going to hang out, then maybe he has a reason to worry.”

• Socialize as a group. “Spend time with both your significant other and your friend,” Sabatini says. “And acknowledge your love for your spouse in front of your friend.”

• Set boundaries. “If you feel the friend is crossing a line, say something,” Rabhan says. “Open communication with your significant other is crucial.”

• If you feel threatened, be honest about it. “Talk to both your significant other and their friend face-to-face,” Jacobson says. “Tell them you feel left out. Don’t be accusatory or yell, just be open and honest.”

• Think positive. “As long as everybody’s on the same page, opposite-sex friends can be fantastic for a couple,” Jacobson says. “If you make your relationship too exclusive, it can become claustrophobic. I’m sure plenty of husbands would love another man to take his wife shopping or to the movies. It’s less pressure on him.”

Really? Ultimatums are bad? “Dump that guy-friend or else!” Why would your wife-property object to that? Here is a better one. Anytime anybody tries to change you, run for the hills.

And be honest? What if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a jealous jackass that sees nothing wrong with judging you for wanting to spend time with your friends, so you respond by not mentioning it. Maybe there are good reasons to leave some things unsaid, or better yet, cut the controlling jerk-off loose. If you have to make all these compromises, like give up your friends, why would you want to be in that relationship anyway?

Then they toss those insecure husbands a bone by telling them how great it is for your wife to have a friend to go shopping with her. I know that I have male friends so that we can all go hang out at the mall together. We girls just love to shop soooo much.

So you see why everything is a tool of the patriarchy? Gender brainwashing is absolutely everywhere, otherwise CNN would not waste their time reminding everybody that women and men are sooooo different and can’t be friends because they will be too busy having teh secks.

I wasted far too much time on this crap. I should have just hit the back button when I had the chance.

Krispy Kreme is celebrating the inauguration of President Obama by giving away free doughnuts of your choice. Of course, the American Life Leaguee would have a problem with this choice of words. Offering people a choice is a tacit approval of abortion rights. They should have chose the word option in place of choice. Choice is now a potty no-no word thanks to all those nasty people that think that abortion should be legal. In case you think I am exaggerating, allow me to post the exact quote that got the ALL’s panties all in a bunch.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American’s sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies — just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet “free” can be.

I only wish that there was a local Krispy Kreme here in Saskatoon so that I could go and choose the doughnut of my own choice and choose how to eat it. Would I scarf it down? Would I eat it in front of my kids while singing “NA NA YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY! Would I throw it in the trough with the bacon grease and the old socks and devour it, like I usually do? Would I don my long LAYDEE gloves and nibble it delicately while sipping my tea? Nobody knows! But I do love having choices.

Unfortunately, Krispy Kreme kaved (*OMG alliteration!) and changed their wording to reflect the fact that choice is not kool. Here is the updated press release.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts’ Inauguration Day promotion on Tuesday, January 20, 2009, is offering one, free doughnut of a customer’s choice at participating Krispy Kreme locations nationwide. No purchase is necessary. The promotion allows customers to commemorate Inauguration Day by selecting one free doughnut of any variety at local participating stores. On Election Day, November 4, 2008, Krispy Kreme ran a promotion that provided customers with one free star-shaped doughnut at stores nationwide. The Inauguration Day promotion is not about any social or political issue.

If you want to laugh yourself silly at pompous and self-important people, go ahead and read the crowing going on at ALL. How could anybody possibly parody these people?

You will not be surprised to learn that the existence of opposing viewpoints are greatly offensive to one particular religious group. This time, it’s PZ Myers blogging about Christian busdriver Ron Heather who refuses to drive a bus because of the offensive language sprawled across the side of it. Want to know what message got him so upset? Check it out:

Wackaloon Busdriver

For those of you that are too lazy or busy to watch the video, the bus had this message on it:

There is probably no God
Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.

I have to wonder what else offends this guy. Would he be offended by images of aborted fetuses plastered on the side of the bus? I would presume that he would be offended by gross, disgusting images like that, just like most people would. I am sure that no self-respecting bus company would allow anybody to buy anti-abortion advertising. That’s why the pro-life wackaloons have to buy their own truck and put their own fetus images on it. They are limited in the ways that they can enjoy and express their free speech rights.

Anyway, if I was a pro-choice wackalloon with too much money and free time HA! I would start a little advertising campaign of my own.

You are more likely to be battered by your spouse during pregnancy than any other time in your life. Use condoms.

*Picture of C-Section*
Childbirth and Pregnancy Change Your Body Forever. Use Condoms.

You get the picture.

But hey, I was just wondering. What would you do if you were a bus driver and there were offensive images or words on the bus. For me, an offensive image is a picture of Adam Sandler promoting his latest mind-dump of a movie. For you, it might be breasts that offend your sensibilities. Maybe you are okay with breasts if they are cleavage spilling out of a tight-fitting dress. But as soon as your eyes are assaulted by the sight of a baby being nourished by boobs you are thrown into fits of apoplexy (whatever that means). Or maybe it’s aborted fetuses. What would you do?

I would make rude comments about the company and probably get fired. “Adam Sandler movies are the worst. I would rather have my crotch sand-blasted than sit through one of his atrocities. Why do they insist on advertising this mind-rot” But I sure wouldn’t quit doing my job.

The air is filled with hopey, changey goodness. On Tuesday, on the same day that I get a teenaged daughter, the United States of America gets the chance to witness history. A handsome black man with a white mother and a black father by the name of Barack Hussein Obama, a beautiful black Jackie Kennedy for a wife and mom-in-chief and two pretty daughters, will be sworn in as President of the United States after 8 years of an illiterate moron in charge of the place. The PEOPLE exercised their democratic right to vote and threw the bum out and everything will be flowers and kittens and free medical marijuana in every pot from now on!

Isn’t it just great to be alive?

PS: But Barry smokes cigarettes!

Give the Dutch a Peace Prize for their achievement in minimizing drug use in its’ citizens while refusing to wage a war on drugs. Despite pressure internationally to get tough on drugs and close down the coffee shops, somehow the Dutch have wisely been able to keep their cannabis cafes operational. There are far fewer drug users, prisoners, and drug overdoses in the Netherlands. We would be wise to follow in their footsteps. Unfortunately, things are not looking good on the drug policy reform front. Obama smacked down all those activists that submitted the suggestion to the change.gov site “legalize medicinal and recreational use of marijuana”. Barry has already let me down and he isn’t even in office yet. I hope that he will at the very least see to it that the 13 states that have legalized medicinal cannabis are left alone. The federal raids on the state medicinal cannabis facilities are the stuff of George Orwell’s worst nightmare. Big Brother swooping in with guns acting out no-knock raids to keep little old ladies from smoking pot to ease their aches and pains. It just isn’t right.

But on a more positive note, the weather is going to be fabulous. My phone keeps telling me that it will be plus temperatures this weekend, which means that my eldest child will drag me out to the countryside to ride gluestick AKA Corby. I am sooooo looking forward to it. WOO HOO!

Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson for kids to learn because not all pigs carry billy clubs and wear body armor. I applaud the people who created this toy for finally being hip to our changing times. Little children need to be aware that not all smiling faces and uniforms are friendly. I noticed that my child is now more interested in current events. Just the other day he asked me why we had to forfeit so much of our liberties and personal freedoms and I had to answer “well, it’s because the terrorists have already won”. Yes, they have won.

I also highly recommend the Playmobil “farm fencing” so you can take your escorted airline passenger away and fence him behind bars as if he were in Guantanamo Bay.

This is a customer product review for Playmobil Security Check Point. Check it out.

At first I was horrified that this product even exists. Then I was horrified that there are actually parents out there that would buy this toy for their child to play with to help them fear the terrorist hoards properly. But then I remembered that my very own baby brother wiled away many hours playing with his GI Joe’s. They are ACTION FIGURES not DOLLS because dolls are gross and girly and action figures aren’t. So long story short, in a world inundated with gross garbage, I should really not have been surprised.

Maybe next year I will buy this for them for Christmas. I would get PARENT OF THE YEAR for sure, if I did that.

I woke up this morning and gazed upon the white dreary frosty-frozen landscape of my driveway and feared that my precious purple Buggy had been stolen. It turned out that I still had a car but it had been buried by about 32466 feet of snow. I had procrastinated shoveling my driveway until after school as I was sure I would still be able to back out of my driveway without getting stuck. Luckily for me, two buff enterprising young men came by looking to earn twenty bucks. I thought they were insane to offer me such a low price for such a huge amount of back-breaking labor. So I agreed to lounge around on the couch writing inane blog posts while they worked on the driveway. I dodged that exercise bullet real good. Instead I will do a disgustingly hippyish thing and go to yoga class tomorrow. What else would you expect from a woman with a green blog featuring a banner that is a photograph of a failed tomato plant?

As I do come from Saskatchewan, I have to devote at least 45% of my time talking about the weather. Luckily it will be up to plus one by the weekend.

Also, Barry will be President on the same day that my eldest daughter turns thirteen. What a glorious day January 20th will be!