What I Wish I Had Said to the Mormons
While it is not a secret that I am a non-believer in any kind of supernatural or religious belief, I am usually inclined to keep my opinions to myself. You won’t find me standing on a street corner holding up the latest edition of the Watchtower and you won’t find me hassling people about being Christiana that are obviously uninterested in talking to me. I don’t hand out pamphlets telling people that belief in religion is a mass delusion. I have better things to do that try to proselytize. I’m lazy. So when I was helping my kid do her paper route today and I saw the two young looking fellows in their neat white shirts and black pants and name-tags coming, I hoped they would keep walking. Mormons on the prowl! I decided to do what I always do when I try to avoid talking to somebody that I find unpleasant: avoid eye-contact or fiddle with my phone and be really rude and hope they take the hint. Childish? Yes, but come on. Pushy people have it coming.
You have to understand that Saskatoon is swarming with Mormons lately. Every year, a new batch comes up from Salt Lake City, eager to impart their Christian values on a gullible populace. I have had many conversations with them over the years and I have to give them credit for persistence. I am stubborn, loud-mouthed and opinionated and they have successfully worn me down many times. If you say “How do you explain the dinosaurs?” they come back with some scripture quotations about testing your faith or something. It’s far too confusing for my puny brain to sort out. They sure do know how to talk in circles without saying anything. It never fails to amaze me.
The two young fellows were sizing me up and giving me compliments for getting my kid to work. Praising your kids is the oldest trick in the book. They probably think I am a single mom. Mormons always go for the single moms because they are all poor, single and desperate for a man and therefore vulnerable to brainwashing. Since I left my home unattended by a man I must be single. They also petted my dog and told me he is cute. I was talking to them and being polite while I was waiting for Katy to get finished dropping off her papers. I was hoping they would go away after she came back and I started walking away but they just kept talking and talking. Oh jeez, they were determined to talk to me, no matter how uninterested I tried to be. They kept up with the fake politeness until they successfully introduced themselves and shook hands with me. Great. Now I have no choice but to engage on religion and I got nothing witty or funny to say. This sucks. Anyway, he pulls his business card out of his pocket and hands it to me. I explain to him that it is no use because I don’t believe in any of it. I know there is no God. There is absolutely no proof of his existence anywhere. He seemed incredulous that I would say such a thing and asked me if I was sure of that. I told him “I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Take care!” And we walked away. They finally took the hint.
This is what I should have said:
“I feel sorry for you because you have been successfully brain-washed into propagating a dangerous cult. The only reason you are here right now trying to convince me that you have all the answers was a coincidence of birth. If you had been born in a different part of the world with different parents and a different upbringing, you would be a different kind of Christian or you might be a Buddhist, Muslim or a Jew. There is no God, accept it and move on with your life!”
The thought occurs to me that Mormons use the same tactics as salespeople to win your trust. Compliments and praise, being nice to your kid and your dog. There must be a handbook that these people use.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Well, heck, I am religious, although not particularly good at it. I like the best of all the religions (and think that there can be such a thing) – I should compliment your children and dog and then harass you
That said, you also didn’t hit them with the fact that they are also running a pyramid scheme that requires the constant introduction of new people at the bottom of the pyramid (hence the aggressive proselytizing).
October 5th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I have always wondered why I see so many of those guys in Saskatoon. Interesting.